Congratulations to the Philadelphia Phillies on winning the National League East yesterday, and i say that in the "I'm-saying-the-opposite-of-what-i-mean" sarcastic way. All it took for them to make it to the playoffs was a monumental collapse by the Mets in the last two weeks of the season. The Phils - professional sports all time losing-est team  (10,000+ and counting) - managed to squeak in on the last day of the season, thanks to a gutless, spineless, heartless September by the squad from New York. Great job guys, you really earned this one! I'm sure you're going to win it all (there's that sarcasm thing again)! Philadelphia is a second-rate city, full of first-rate as$#holes. It's a city full of mean, wretched, ugly people. People who boo Mike Schmidt. People who boo Santa Claus. People who throw batteries at opposing players, and opposing fans down the stairs. People who can only wish they were from New York.

As far as I can discern, the "city of brotherly love" (must be ironic, right?) has two claims to fame. One - the Liberty Bell.  Okay, it's broken. You're famous for a cracked piece of iron that rang like two hundred and whatever years ago. Color me unimpressed.  Two - the cheesesteak. Now, let me say that I'm a big fan of this "invention" but lets get really real here. It's meat and chesee and bread...and maybe onions depending. You're "famous" for something so ridiculously simple that any window licker could have come up with it (maybe that's why it was invented there?). Paris has the Eiffel Tower. London has Big Ben. Chicago has Wrigley Field. Philadelphia has a sandwich. A real world-class destination, for sure!

So enjoy your one-and-done in the playoffs, Phillies fans, because every morning when you wake up from now until your dying day you will still be a Philadelphian – something iIwouldn't wish on my worst enemy. In closing, please allow me to paraphrase the great Ron Burgundy and extend a hearty and heartfelt, go f#@k yourself, Philadelphia! You're one of a kind – and thank god for that.